Moving on like the movies.

Last night he told me things . . we discussed our end again. We talked about him moving out of town. Now it feels official - the relationship we expressed is officially no longer. Unfortunatley I was sort of drunk when we discussed this so I revealed to him that I knew about him and Jeremy. I told him that I'm still in love with him and how every day is HELL to wake up knowing that he's moved on and that he'll be leaving town for good. All the sweet beginnings keep returning to me. On memorial day will be the day we first kissed - I just can't get over this shit . . . it's coming back to me; these memories and when I think about them I feel the same excitement of the day after our first kiss. Wanting to see him again, to kiss him again. And now it's over - it's all over. Our bond may not be broken - but the romance is over. The marriage is over. It's over. And it hurts more than before and it's scary and I feel like the pain is coming back. Some day soon he will be gone and I won't be able to laugh with him and I will be forced to move on. I don't want to move on. I like loving you.

Love does not leave.

Sometimes when I look outside my window and I am alone I think about him and I ask myself "why", "what the hell went wrong?". Somehow I still can't believe that we are over, I still feel like shit when you don't kiss me goodbye. I'm not saying that my life is over but I long for that life we lived. Sadly I do know why it ended. You've moved on from me, so why am I having such a hard time moving on from you. I guess I still believe in a you and me. I guess I feel angered that you opted to take a bow during our most challenging of times. There was another - I knew it all along. You looked for love elsewhere just when things between us got a bit stale. I am not going to say I was perfect - but I tried to make you feel special ... did I fail?. Was I a lousy lover?. Sometimes I just can't solve the reasons why wer'e no more and yet we still see each other every day. Love does not leave . . . so why did you leave me?. I just can't solve the riddle because I love you.

Breathe

Grandma Died, Jonathan Left me, Minnie is gone. Can't handle much more. I miss them all. I layed my grandma to rest and Jonathan showed up. I layed my cat to rest and he called me. This man who I love, this man I long for. A grandma I love, a grandma I can't ket go of. Is the lesson here in letting it go?. Why let go when it made us feel good and it was taken away from us as fast as it came. So how do we let them go?. So how do we go on with out them?. How do we know what they are thinking while down the street or in heaven?. So how do I move on ? . . . I can't breathe today. Today I miss it all.

Tired, Messed Up and Anxious -

It's been a few weeks to a month now that I have posted anything here. I've got too much going on inside and no more computer at home to write on since my ex boyfriend decided to move out on us. I've come to the reality conclusion that J******* decided to leave our relationship because he wanted to persue what things may be like with Jeremy. My friend at Barnes and Noble confirmed to me that she saw something sort of funny going on between them because he came in with his arm around Jeremy. Hearing news like that totally sends about a thousand little knives into me. The idea that he's sharing his body with somebody else but me. It disgusts me, and yet we maintain a "friendship". I don't know how I can deal with it because I still love him.

I am going through a new daily anxiety/panic disorder caused by the trauma of this break-up. I've never done one of these before so I do not know if it's natural to feel like this. In an ideal world I would be one of those punk rocker dudes who does not give a shit about a break-up, but I am not. I am a gay male who is looking for love in a large but bone headed culture of diva's, hoes and clones. I wake up thinking "I can make it today" and then I get totally nervous and anxious about him moving on so fast. I don't think about myself anymore as I did in about the second week of our break-up. But then he came back toward me, stayed a night and even ended up back in bed with me a few times.

It's like I miss him, and when I miss him I feel like he'll never be around again. And the difference between before and now, is that before at least I knew he was "mine" in a sense. But now I feel like a "friend" and Jeremy is my replacement - - - so why am I still hanging with this kid?. There is no confirmation from J*******, and I don't want to ask because I think it'll hurt too much to hear the truth. So I'll remain in denial - - I am living in a tiny city where I do not work, I am supposed to go back to school in the fall and I am single. It sucks because I have met some pretty attracitve men, who flirted with me - and though I would flirt back, I still felt as though I would be cheating on J****** by kissing any of these men. And I am not even ready to do that yet. I'm still dealing with the fact that as of right now, our relationship ended possibly because he wanted to persue the same man I figured he liked but told me nothing of.

The truth is that I feel as though I brought this all on. Kind of like the Secret's theory that our thoughts control the universe, I believe that my thoughts there in the end of our relationship truly panned out the way that I was thinking them. I imagined him cheating on me, I imagined us having to break up. I did not however imagine the feeling of being so alone. So now I am imagining something new which I am not going to share here. I'll see if it works. I love him still, I feel him still, I know him still - - I wont give up on him till - I know it's done for sure inside of me.

Murder The Baby

Lonliness is hard to deal with. Every morning I've been waking up to a ghost of a former boyfriend that is no longer there. I walk through the rooms with past conversations in my mind which never got the chance to complete. I sometimes pretend that he's still there - I still love him. But that love has to fade because he's moving on and I don't want to stand around waiting. Every time that I see him, I know he's moving on and it makes me angry. For I know he's denying his feelings and he's lying to the both of us. But he owes me nothing now - and I am still looking for that connection with him. I am still hoping that my best friend will come to bed with me, I am still wishing for his lips to touch my own again. But we both know that it's not going to happen. For he's made a choice and I have no choice in return but to follow. And so I must move on. And so I must destroy the happy memories, and so I must murder the baby. I have to in order to sacrifice the lie that we shall soon return to the way we were. No more fights, no more cry. Simply I wish for love, simply I long for intimacy, simply I choose to remain in love. I don't want to be that "one" who hangs on to a ghost, a shell .... nobody lives here anymore, the passion, the music, the love, the happiness; all of that escaped before the party even started. God bless our once strong union - this divorce has taken a piece of me and torn it apart.

A sorta fairytale.

This is the end to something that was once really great but turned ugly and I'm sorry that it had to be this way because I still very much love you. And I am blaming myself for this bitter end but we all know who put more into this than anybody else. Sacrifices were made and now I sleep alone. As per you request - I will not hope for you again but rather remain "just friends". It's a shitty call to make especially when I still love you and you obviously love me. But I can understand where you're at and I'm not thinking about myself in that light. Hell I am kind of jealous that you'd kill a relationship for the benefit of your own personal growth. And yet I did not convey to you how frustrating you can be and how many times I've felt alone in the same room with you. And I'm sorry that in the end I made you unhappy - but honey you weren't alone there. Yeah OK I'm bitter to a degree because I'm lonely and you're the only one I know to call - and I don't want to give you away. I don't want to say it's over. But you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore and you clearly do not want the "security" that I gave to you. I can't see why it's so bad to have a boy like me in your life . . . It also kind of pisses me off that you'd break it off during the bad times - with hopes that there is something more out there. I should have known - I should have expected to have you do this especially being that you're 19 and still finding yourself. But I've got a lot of living to do and more love to give and I have to make something better of myself. And maybe one day we'll meet on that road again and grow old together. But in the meantime . . . I'll remember this as A Sorta Fairytale With You

All The Love In The World.

Sometimes we do stupid shit, yesterday was a particular low point for me in this whole confusion called "relationship in peril". I was on tarot.com and I thought I had been signed into my account. I clicked on my past readings profile and there came up a love profile titled "How do I make the right decision between S*** and Jeremy". Initially shock hit me but it was no news to me, it only confirmed in me that I either created a self fulfilled prophecy, or I have some grade A+ intuition here. None the less I saw what I saw and the hours that followed took me to some dark places inside.

No matter what I saw, something is wrong in this relationship. I had been told to give him time to go through "something". But "something" just keeps putting a distance between us and it's been concerning me to the degree that I do not trust him at all anymore. I don't even feel like he's my boyfriend anymore. His mother pries into shit and then calls me crazy, tells me that I'm insecure, suggests that I wait for J******** to find out what he needs. Yet last week she highly encouraged me to "do what's right for YOU". How do these messages get so contorted, do I give up?. I really don't know what to do and I feel really bad that I over read what I did, but maybe God was trying to confirm something for me - I don't know.

I want badly to feel that love again, I want so badly to want him the way that I did, but this morning I woke up and felt like I could not feel anything anymore. I felt like I had given up. I felt alone but accepting of it. It's as though I don't have feelings anymore because I was forced to put them away. Love should not be hidden, especially when you're 11 months into the game. Love should only be expressed in and out, not discouraged by events, people and a stop in your over all intimacy and communication. You can cat ll me idealistic but it's true, because at the base level of love is trust, and if there is anything that I m lacking more now it's just that.

Perhaps I want to be wanted, I want to be needed, I want to feel like I am special. And yet when I am ignored, and I am barely held at night, or I can't even put my arm around him without feeling him shutter; I begin to wonder where all of that went. And then I see him online with Jeremy, chatting and smiling. I came home yesterday and they were on the phone, J******** was looking for apartments online with him (not for together). I am upset to understand that I am now on an episode of the bachelor. I thought that the perk to being in a long term relationship was to feel a security in it all. So where did that go and is it my fault for getting nosy?.

"Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it". . . "And it's only love, it is only love -- that can take a human being and turn him inside- out".

Of course I am here to mend this break - I am here to pick up the pieces, I am here to work on something that I worked for so long with. But I don't see him doing the same, and I worry for myself that I am addicted to suffering. Last night I was thinking about it - I wondered why it was that I could not just get pissed at him and call it off when I felt the need to earlier yesterday. And then I thought about how I hate to vomit and how I will not let myself vomit even if I feel like shit, and then I continued to think about how I spent 10 years holding back tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Am I addicted to suffering in the sense that actually long to suffer, rather than actually enjoy life?. When I am sick would I rather remain sick? and when I need to cry would I actually rather build resentment instead?.

"My heart is on that ship out on that ocean".

When we fall in love, we put all of our fear aside, it's something that I did not do with this relationship. I had been in one before it which left me for a fool. I had been fucked over time and time again and I had always let it happen for fear of being "mean" and ultimately "losing the chance to be loved" by the same people who showed me no love. And then J******** comes into my life, this 18 year old boy who just .... adored me. And I adored him. And we held hands, and grew together, and confided and shared . . . I lost my virginity to this boy. I let my guards down, and I opened myself up to him fully without question. Sure we've had arguments, we've had issues, I have felt inferior to him at times and he has probably felt frustrated by my idealism. But up until about 1.5 months ago, I felt him - I felt like he still longed for me, and I still longed for him. And now - he does not long for me anymore, he does not ask me to hold him, or stay in bed with him. He barely kisses me anymore. Small kisses to possibly suggest "yes we're still in a relationship" - but nothing more.

"Valentino, I don't think so you're watching MTV while I lye dreaming in an empty bed"

We will stay up at night watching episodes of LOST, and then he'll turn the T.V. off and say "Let's go to bed" and I will get up happy and excited because he's coming to bed with me, and then he will get online to say "goodnight" to Jeremy which ends up lasting for about 3 hours past when he originally said that he would come to bed. And I will go to bed, and I will wake at least 2-4 times with my heart beating like war drums wondering what they are talking about and why he'd ditch me like that. I don't care what others say, I am indeed being treated like second best, but I cannot complain because I am allowing it to happen.

"I wanna take you for granted, drift while you're talking, bathe while you're downstairs and chat on the phone, fall asleep before bedtime, laugh in the hallway, forget your birthday and shrink all your clothes"

I keep hope in my heart that things will change, I keep optimism in my mind to make sure that I do not lose him, yet still I remain anxious and depressed. Feeling like I am lost in a crowded room and my guardian just abandoned me for something unknown. So I'm in there, and I'm scared, and people are looking at me like I am crazy, but I know that my watcher is being selfish. I know that I will be OK no matter what the outcome, but I do not want to let go and lose all that we worked on together. J******** keeps telling me that he wants us to be friends before lovers in order to be lovers. But what the hell does that mean, is he trying to suggest "were just friends" or is he saying "let's do all that we can to strengthen this bond". I don't think that it's the latter because he's offered nothing to me which proves conducive toward a successful bond. We do not talk, we do not confide, we do not share time together without a T.V. set, we do not walk, we barely laugh. And that's what kills me about this all, because I know he shares all such things with Jeremy for I have seen it and his words alone confirm it.

"I don't wanna wake up alone anymore, still believing you'll walk through my door, all I need is to know it's for sure, then I'll give all the love in the world".

Mourning

He told me "I'm moving out". Those words just don't seem to leave me. And though I tried to deny it throughout yesterday - he brought it to my attention again today by asking how I would pay the bills once was was gone. Abandoment is something I've feared, and I've never thought it would happen to me again, but it's happening. And though I should try and fight it, at the end of the day every man's decision is his own; so why am I not making the right ones?.

I don't want to say goodbye and I feel like it's happening. We're sleeping on opposite sides of the bed now, I try to hold him close and he pulls away. It's like "China all the way to New York" I can feel the distance . . . and it's close. Do I fight for this ?, should I cry over this?. I went to the movies on Thursday and cried like I'd lost a relative to tragedy. Is this the end?, how do we come to terms, why isn't there just some great way to say "I'm OK" no matter what. The truth is that I don't feel like it's OK, I don't feel like I'll be OK. I don't know why it's all come to this and yet something inside is telling me not to fight it.

I do not want to be alone, and I do not understand why; if we are still "in love" does it feel like we are both going through a drifting process. I feel him drifting from me, and I want to grab out and catch him - but I'm wondering if it's right or not. Where do I go from here, what do I do?. Where is happiness, and who am I?. Is this what he thought months before he decided to "find himself"? or is this something that ... I don't know. All I know is that everything is not OK right now and I think that he'll be better before I am because he's calling the shots. And I do not want to spitefully call any end to anything before fully understanding where we are at with each other. I do not want to lose him, I have too many memories of him and too many hopes and feelings to let him go. But should I let him go out of love? or should I let him go out of love for myself?.

In other news : STA Travel has closed 49 branches across the USA, my old branch is finally included on that list thank God !.

"Valentino I Don't Think So"

He took his hand in mine, I asked him about our schedule for the months ahead in bills and he told me "I'm going to find my own apartment". My heart has dropped down to the floor and I can't pick it up, I'm in too much shock. This morning I woke up and he was not here. This is not the end, but it's a definite stop to the life that I knew with him. I could cry but somehow I feel like it's right. I dont want him to go, but I need to know how to love me in order to love anybody else. I want to kiss him, I want to hold him but I know that I can't. I know that with every kiss will bring hurt and that with every smile I'll know he's leaving, and I don't even know what that means. I feel like we're moving on and nobody is saying it. Am I the only one who feels that way?.

Times have been hard for us and when we had that blow out fight the other day downtown, I think that he realized some things in himself that he did not like, and I realized some sides to myself that I agree are unhealthy. I need to be loved, why can't I love myself ?. Everybody wants love, everybody wants to be held at night, to be kissed under the moon and to hold somebody else's hand. But the truth is that there are more times than not that we are going to be alone in this life and we cannot be thinking about others the entire time. So in a sense I really can understand where my boyfriend is coming from. Now I have to face myself again and I hate me.

This process reminds me of the one that I had to go through as I let Aaron go two years ago. And though he was a horrible person and nothing at all like my boyfriend today, I do remember when I was uninvited from his life as a significant other. I kept holding on with hope in my hert that something would change, and here I am doing it again. I really do not know what's in store for J******* and I, everything is really different, he is so far away and I can't even kiss him without feeling like goodbye is just tomorrow. I wish that I never opened my mouth with all my petty needs, I wish that I did not need so much. I wish that I could just love myself so that I could better love my boyfriend. But I've never gone through the process of learning how to accept myself and I am so incredibly terrified of becoming my own worst enemy, I am terrified of becoming Aaron. I am terrified of becoming shrill and mean and numb as I feel.

God help us, let J******** and I heal this relationship, help us heal within ourselves because I do not want to lose him. I do love him though we have had some issues recently. And then I look back and say "I'm only sorry that I had made the move before you did".

Can You Be Alone In A Relationship ?

I'm going through it. I'm dealing with powerlessness. I am sitting at home by myself at 10:04pm on a Tuesday night without my boyfriend and I know that I'm going to be OK. It's just that - I don't feel OK and I have to deal with that. So that's why I am writing here and now. Of course in my head I have some horrible thoughts going on, imagining him at Jeremy's house making out or having sex ..... God help me. But that is my problem and I don't know how to be alone and this is a challenge and it's OK. I feel like my heart's going to bust out of my chest and I cand keep my hands from shaking.

I'm watching "Happy Feet" on the TV because I need to see something positive. I am TOTALLY freaking out on the inside, I'm currently going through a lot of fear, so how do I deal and cope with this understanding that my boyfriend is allowed to go out with other people and have other friends without me. For starters I can cope by repeating the fact that it's healthy and normal (though I am nt used to it). I can continue by saying the following "It's OK to be alone because I've got myself covered". I am doing what I can to take care of my separation anxiety. I cn take a walk or read a book, the goal is to let go of the thoughts in the back of my mind.

I miss him like a .... God I miss him. I of course want him here and with me, but it's unhealthy to NEED him for my happiness. It's unhealthy to be completely reliant on his presence because I am present, and the lying issue here is that I cannot actually feel myself in here anymore. This is perhaps partially because 7 months ago I made decisions to accommodate my boyfriend while he felt the same way alone in his own apartment. This is life, I have to accept this. I am not in control of anyone else but myself. Maybe this s God's answer to my prayer to be "stronger". I cannot be strong unless I have a solid sense of self. Truth be told, there are a few sides of this relationship that I've compromised myself for. But are they healthy ?.

My social life used to be very healthy and well I stopped hanging out with my friends at the demand (at the time) of my boyfriend. What I needed to do back then was put a foot down and stop myself from allowing anybody to control me. And yet here I am ... waiting up, worried out of my mind that I've gotten no call back for the past 3 hours and waiting for him to come home. I know he is OK, I do feel a little bit disrespected for not getting a "status" call but this is what it's all about to be alone and this is how I will prove to myself that I can be alone while in a relationship.

Healthy Detatchment

In the past 24 hours everything has gone from bad to worst to akward again. Yesterday afternoon my boyfeind and I got into anothe fight, this one was larger than the last and really threw me into a question hole. After expressing my needs, and being shot down for needing them - I nearly decided that it was time to break up with my long term relationship. The truth was however that I was not ready to be single, and sometimes these decisions are best made when we certainly know that we are ready.

I took a walk after the blow out and called about every person in my phonebook looking for answers. What do I do, where do I go from here?, should I end things?. I ended up running into my good freind Ale***** and his bf who took me out to dinner, gave me hugs and showed me the support that I needed in order to get through the afternoon alone. I decided that I needed time and space, and though it felt odd to be away from my boyfriend . . . I knew that I had nothing to say to him. Earlier he had berated me for too many reasons to feel secure anymore. So I stayed out until 10:00 pm and allowed for my boyfriend to wonder where I was. As cruel as it was, it was needed because I needed to be alone, and I did not need to answer to anybody else.

I came home to find him sleeping on the couch playing "break up" songs and a plate of dinner on his side ... with another placed out for me which was never eaten. I felt like the worst man ever and nearly grabbed the boy into my arms to kiss him - but I did not. I can't infantize him as my friends were telling me last night. I have to be strong for myself, I have to reserve myself now as hard as it is to do. We are at a point in this relationship where I suppose that we both need to move forward without breaking up. I think that it means that we need to work on separation while maintaining romance if that is at all possible. I learned this not from my boyfriend but rather his mother who I spoke to this afternoon. Apparently he called her - and of course they ... I don't know it seems as though they .... nevermind. Point is that I have to work on myself in order to be in this relationship, I have to learn how to be away from him in a healthy way. I can't be attatched to his hip as we once were. It hurts but it's truth.

In truth I think that my boyfriend was trying to tell me that we needed that space in order to grow and I was not ready to hear it. I am not going to say that the way he constructed that conversation was at all right because he disrespected my words by calling them wrong and putting me down for it. And of course when I spoke with his mother about this she took his side without taking his side as it were. I need to detatch to a degree and not allow for others to hurt me as much as they do. The only issue that I am dealing with is that there is a part of me which doe snot feel right about this and then there is a side with me that agrees with his mum. Maybe I do need to work my self out - maybe I should go on this journey with the boyfriend. For his mother tells me that there is nothing to worry about and that he told me he wanted to be with me only. And that his friendship with Jeremy is simply a venting relationship . . . maybe we all need those, I know we do. And it's hard to admit that I am not perfect ... well it is, but it's hard to excorcise the demons inside and do the worsk that it takes to change. But change is possible and maybe this is God's way of preparing me for the journey ahead.

Entering The Program

Yesterday I missed him so much that I yelled at my sister just to get me home. This longing for him came from a place of worrying if he'd forgotten about me; a need to be needed, a desire to control. When I arrived at the door everything was fine until his mother called from the hospital asking if he would meet her there. He never picks up her (and now my own) telephone calls and decided to put his responsibility into my hands. When asked where he was I told her that he was next to me playing a video game. By the time I got off the phone I knew that I was in "deep shit" with him for leaking out such a truth. He started to yell, I started to get smaller - and then I stopped.

I turned back to him and yelled back. Told him that I did the best that I could and that I wouldn't even bother again. He began to completely ignore me and I started to panic. Why were my emotions so non important to him, all while there I lay in an empty bed (again) as he sat up talking to his "friend" online. This was not OK, but I decided that I had to not give in to his bull shit, I fell asleep for about an hour or two when I woke up at about 3:30 am. I had realized that I did not want to be fighting, perhaps this was my need to be wanted and understood, perhaps emotionally recognized for once. I got out of bed and sat next to him and before I knew it found myself apologizing to him for getting hurt earlier. ME APOLOGIZING FOR BEING HURT !. He listened for about ten seconds before he cut me off again saying "I don't want to talk about it". I turned away and said "Well fine, just know how much this is hurting me right now". I told him I loved him (with a return response to my surprise) and went to "bed".

I could not fall asleep, I felt so angry at him for stepping in shit and giving me the shoe. I knew that it was not mine to clean and yet there I had apologized to him for holding back my cleaning brush. Time passed, the sun began to shine and yet still no boyfriend to apologize or at least join me in bed. I felt completely alone and dead inside. I began to panic, this sudden rush of energy came over my body and I ran into the bathroom crying. I began to scratch at my flesh, opening my skin and revealing scrapes and blood bruises. I felt like there was a bomb going off, I had to run, but where do I run?. So I came back out to the bedroom only to notice him smiling at him computer screen as he talked to him beloved buddy Jeremy. The thought finally resonated in my head that my boyfriend really does not care about me anymore and I began to lose it. I threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and ran out the door.

Once I was on the open street at 5:30 am I tried to feel a sense of accomplishment. I tried to figure out where I needed to go . . but then I realized something. Baby boy was in MY house, using MY electricity to use HIS computer (that I am typing on now ahem). I could not breathe, my heart began to break out from within. My chest opening with a sense of pain and ending. The reality came to me that I'd had it. I'm fed up and I needed to make a decision, but I did not want to do it yet. So I turned around trying not to suffocate (as I felt was going to). Shaking and sleep deprived I entered the door to my apartment and gazed my eyes upon him smiling at the screen again, he did not even look up to see who was there. He ignored me as though I had really done something SO wrong as to be punished for the night. Sadly I still needed to feel a presence, a support so I asked him "honey, I think I am having an anxiety attack", no response, deadpan, silence. Finally and regretfully he suggested to take a shower; it was one of those suggestions you might get from a pissed off Wal-mart employee who does not want you to find your items.

I took a shower, went back to bed and woke up at about 9:30am to notice that he had finally fallen asleep on the couch in the living room (once again, nothing new there; he's been staying up all night for weeks now). Once again I felt completely scammed of any support, totally jipped of any loving consolation and totally confused about what course of action I needed to take. So I got up and changed my clothes again, still groggy from a night of crying and no sleep and totally disappointed in my overall life. I walked right out the door and began my Carrie Bradshaw walk of .... shame, confusion and let down.

Like a scene in the movies I could nearly hear the music playing, wishing a friend would call me and go to breakfast, maybe I'd be a best selling book author or an actor or something totally successful. But I was simply me and I had more to deal with than wishing against the woes of my non success. I walked to the park and sat for a while, taking in all of the fresh air and caffeine from my double shot mocha. I took in the feeling of being alone again and tried to come to terms with it, but it would not stick. I do not want to end this yet, I need love. But he does not love me. I need help but he will never help me. I need God but God's not here yet, He's only around on Sunday's at 9:00 am. So I took a walk to St.Mary's Catholic Church downtown and figured that maybe I could pray about it, make a decision that way. I arrived at what appeared to be daily mass, but ... did not go in because it was also a funeral.

Finally I decided to walk home. There was absolutely nowhere else to go but home at that point. I had given up completely and concluded to myself that the only choice was the hard choice. I walked around the corner and noticed an AA office with an Al-anon meeting in pre progress. The room was filled with older people which initially turned me off, so I walked away as though to avoid it. Suddenly an older woman popped her head out from the door and invited me in. I figured it was God's way of telling me to enter a new door. So I entered . . . an hour had passed, I ha shared my story of growing up in an alcoholic environment, I listened to the stories of others. I felt support, I felt love and yet I did not know who the hell these people were from outside of those four walls. They particularly thanked me for my story, they told me that I had courage for sharing so candidly and encouraged me to come back.

I don't know what's to come. My boyfriend just woke up from his post night of emotional violence sleep. He is still ignoring me as I am not acknowledging him ..... a sense of panic has just entered my chest again, I feel like my stomach is cramping up. I don't know what to do ... and I feel scared again. I want to make peace but I have to accept the fact that he does not want it too. I can't clean up his messes, I can't control his emotions, I can't change the past, I cant manipulate the future. And in the words of Tori Amos, I can only be me, a lot of times it isn't good enough for people.

The Work Team . . .

Last night I tried to tell him what was on my mind. Instead he would have rather played a video game. I asked him if he was OK and of course he was, but as soon as I began to get frustrated that my points were not being concerned for by him - he called it a fight. I was not trying to fight . . but we've got some issues that we need to talk about. When I asked him if he cared, he told me that there was nothing to talk about and then continued to ignore me, talk to him friend online and play video games.

Is this what it means to be abused?. Love is not a game and love should certainly not hurt this much. Something has changed between he and I. 3 weeks ago some guy started to message him on facebook. Now they spend nights chatting together as I sleep in an empty bed. This dude took my boyfriend out to dinner last week. Am I in denial ?, why am I not calling the shot here?. My instincts tell me that something is off, something is not healthy and my boyfriend will not agree with me. It's like being alone in the dark with an abusive guardian.

I'm so hurt, I feel so alone. I do not know what to do, I don't know what decision needs to be made. I need respect and last night was a clear message to me that my boyfriend simply does not care about me anymore. So here I am alone again - sitting in an open bedroom, he's sleeping on the couch because he spent the night talking with Jeremy (his ... friend). I'm not a bad person, why do I feel like one?. Why am I beating myself up for his silence and his abusive behavior last night?. A part of me wants to just leave . . . get out of this stupid state I live in and go back to California where I am from, where I was once happy.

I tried not to let it come to this - but I am now officially unhappy and the sign is up for the public to see. I cannot however talk to m friends anymore about it because they did not agree with my lease in the first place. I cannot talk to my mother about it because she does not even know about the business that I set out to make a success. And I cannot talk to my own boyfriend about it because .. .. .. right, he doesn't care. And so here I am at a hard place again, I'm in pain and I feel a great abandonment. In one month he and I will be celebrating one year together - yet I am uncertain of ... how much longer this will last. I am so completely insulted and betrayed by him that I can't see anything past today yet. It does not mean a break up, but it does mean that we're not getting on right now.

Last night I tried to pleasure him - he had this attitude of "lets just get off". The thrill and adventure of it is gone too - like he really does not see me attractive anymore. He's been commenting on my body, telling me that I've gained weight and that I need to stop eating oreo's if I want to lose weight. Yet ... he's working out and he's chatting with some other guy and this guy is taking him out to eat. As my friend E**n told me last night "S**n, your boyfriend is dating somebody else !". As much as it hurt to have somebody spell it out in plain English for me, it made sense. It confirmed exactly what has been plaguing me with fear and doubt for the past month (since my boyfriend met Jeremy).

So what do I do?. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw "Is it time to bust out the old pro's and con's list?" or should I simply forgive and forget. Something tells me that I need to figure this one out and that as much as the outcome could either be great or tragic - it will be my decision and I will have created my own destiny by making it. Today I need to do our laundry because tomorrow we're going to a going away party for our friends. Can we talk tonight about everything that went down last night?. Why am I THE ONE who is still being shunned . . . you see this is classic "crazy making". I have an issue, he says there is nothing. He has an issue, I say hey honey what's wrong and lets fix it. That's the difference between us. That is why I am 23 and he's 19. Yes there is anger, but I'm willing to talk it out in order to mend the bridge that's breaking here. I just don't know how to when the other half of the work team wont show up on time.

Rant, Rave, Pre Apocolyse.

Is this love or is it fading away?. How should I deal with all of this anger that is building up in me against you. This power struggle has never really worked on my side, I think that the only thing I've got on you is this house that you so openly order me around in. Don't do this, don't do that - - I feel like I'm living with a controlling parent again and it's making me unhappy. I want to make this work, hell maybe I am pretending . . I don't know what to do anymore. When I need to talk, we don't talk. Whenever there is an issue you ask me to look into myself so that you don't have to. And I'm sick of feeling like shit when I don't have the answer, and I'm tired of cleaning up your messes. You never take responsibility for your own shit. We used to talk about these issues, yeah back in November before we moved in together. I did not even have five minutes to live alone before your mother kicked you to the curb from your own lease and you ended up here with me. I've tried to be happy and I've tried to work with you on this - but I don't feel like there is any compromise anymore at least when it comes to respect. I walk on egg shells and you walk in with muddy boots. I can't figure it out, my energy is fading and I don't want it to die. I think we've had a connection, we met and obviously for some reason fell in love. I'm not out of love, but I am seriously emotionally beaten down now because I've had to change myself for you, I've changed my friends, my interests . . . hell I've nearly changed my religion and morals for you. So then I look to myself on the inside - codependent as I am, there still has to be a place that I can blame you for your actions as well. I honestly don't think we've ever worked on a 50/50 work load. I think I've taken on about 80 % of the load as you sit on the couch relaxing, as I clean the house. And now that I've asked for you to pick up the slack - you seem to be unhappy. Or is it my unhappiness? . . I hate being scaulded for your mistakes, and I hate having to remain silent because you can't deal with your own imperfections. I can't express myself to you right now, nor has it ever been easy to. It started because we were new and I was timid of scaring you off with my needs. . . but now I just feel as though you've got my card; the "easy" card and you use it against me.

Anxiety, Life, and Relationships.

I realize now that I have an anxiety issue to deal with and I do not know where or how to start. You see, there may be a few foux pas issues between my boyfriend and I, but the truth is that whenever the sky is blue - I wake up just to close the curtains. I'm obsessed and perhaps phobic now of pain, suffering and infidelity. I deserve not to feel this way, but it's not my boyfriend who can provide this. It's me.

I have to take control over my mind and I have to have trust in my boyfriend but more within myself. Every time that I allow myself to think a negative thought or have any form of doubt within my boyfriend, I create a false reality and therefore I believe in it. I love my boyfriend so much, and lately I don't feel like I get enough attention from him. Perhaps I need to be more understanding of his actions. Perhaps I need to take control of my life again without feeling responsible to anybody but myself.

A single hug or kiss from my boyfriend makes me feel safe, secure and acknowledged. When he does not speak to me, or when he is online with his friend Je**** I feel as though I am not a part of the picture frame there which leads me to feel uninvited, unneeded or disapproved. The simple truth is that while our relationship definitely needs work upon our communication skills and some aspects of our sex life - nothing has been compromised by J******* making friends with another guy his age. It's natural and maybe even healthy.

Perhaps if I accept this reality and take more time to work on myself, I will learn how not to feel intimidated by other men. Of course I may doubt my boyfriend from time to time simply because he is not perfect and like I've said; we have some pretty serious communication breaks to work through and build upon. But for the most part, I have to remember that he loves me and if I am not going to be strong and hold onto my end of the bargain; not only will he have no standard to match but he will be turned off from my love.

This I pray :

Today I ask that my fear and my anxiety will find a healthy place outside of my command center. I pray for more trust in God and in myself that I may trust others. I pray to forgive myself for the abusive behaviours I've accepted in the past and I ask for a new chance to redeem myself in my relationship with myself and my boyfriend J*******. I ask that peace will enter my home so that communication feels free and ready to flow between J******* and I. I ask that my grounding and my security will be restored through prayer and action. And finally, I pray that you will send a message to my boyfriend - "I love you".

Foul Play or Time Alone ?

Last night he was supposed to go to bed at the same time as me. He'd only been talking all day about how he "needed to get back on schedule" with his sleep hours. And when that hour finally came he was online talking to his in town mystery friend Jer***. I asked him "You going to bed honey?", he responded "Ah... soon, Jer*** wants me to stay up for a little bit". I tried not to let that sting me but it did. My boyfriend NEVER listens to my requests when I ask him to either stay up or come to bed with me. Last week in fact my boyfriend stayed up for 30 hours straight thanks to this dude that messaged him on facebook about a month ago.

I try not to be intimidated but I am. Something does not feel right, and my suspicions grew stronger last night as I woke from sleep at approximately 4:30 am only to see my boyfriend typing away, putting his lap top to the side of the couch and look in my direction as though spotting himself as he unzipped his pants. I could not help myself, curiosity was killing me. Was my boyfriend still chatting with Jer*** and was he having a nice little game of video chat?. I woke up and looked him right in the eye; he stopped and gave me this very deer in the headlight look before making a kiss sound to me. I pretended to go back to sleep. I heard him pull out his wallet . . what the hell was he doing?.

A bit later later at about 5:00am I assume that he thought I was sleeping again. He put his computer back into "watch position" and got up. I did not know exactly where he was heading but I was imagining that he was showing himself from across the room. Silence then took over the house. I got up naked because I had earlier hoped that he would come to bed "soon". But soon never comes with my boyfriend and I always end up sleeping alone as he plays on his computer, the same one that I am typing from now. I followed him into the kitchen where he was staring out the window and breathing very heavy. I asked him if he was OK, I also checked to see if he had a hard on. He said he was fine, I asked him what he was doing and he silently snapped at me "Spending time alone!".

If he needed alone time I could understand that, but he had spent the whole day alone and now I was left to assume that my imagination was telling me the truth. My boyfriend was fucking around online with his web cam to somebody else. I'm really not sure where this whole idea is coming from ... but something deep inside me keeps bringing it up and I can't tell if I am being insecure or if I am really discerning foul play here. It hurts too because I don't feel very close to him anymore. I feel like he's going in a separate direction than I am and that I am no longer invited. He talks so highly about Jer*** and leaves me hanging for a compliment. And now as he sleeps in my bed, I feel terrified of the idea that maybe I did catch him in some funny act last night and perhaps now he's on to the fact that I'm totally suspicious of him.

I don't want pain, yet pain seems to be what I am seeking out here. I can't let him lye because he is so silent. Weeks ago I had to confront him on the fact that he has more intimate conversation with Jer*** than he does with me anymore. We argued about that and J*****n (my boyfriend) insisted that I was incorrect and out of line. Five months ago J*****n and I were in a domestic violence training together and they taught us that such behavior as 'no, no honey you're all wrong' is known as "Crazy Making". It's a tactic used to make the survivor feel lessened in their acceptance and resistance of abuse. It's used to confuse and dis power a person, and I feel as though J******n does it to me often.

So I create realities and I do not let myself rest. I distrust my boyfriend simply because I do not feel like I mean everything to him as I once did; but also because he's told me about cheating on past lovers in the past. I just don't understand how these things happen, I work so hard on making this relationship work and I feel as though he just takes and takes and takes. I have not received a single flower from my boyfriend since my days working at STA Travel. I've recently started to buy him gifts and flowers just to show him that I don't want the romance to end. But I feel it is and I question weather it has anything to do with the fact that we live together or if it is because I do not turn him on anymore.

After our little off-encounter in the kitchen I returned to bed waiting for some kind of appearance from my boyfriend, waiting for a kiss or maybe even participation in sleep together. He did come through the room only to get to the bathroom where he took about a 25 minute shower and returned to the bed fully clothed, not a single kiss and turned away from me. My heart slammed against my chest like a wild cat in a cage. I felt like I could not breathe, I felt so alone, and I felt as though I was having to come to terms with some unspoken reality between us. I went back into history and replayed all of the times that I'd been snubbed by other men. I remembered Aaron, I remembered David and Kolt and William and Levi and the many others who simply did not see me fit to love them. And then I looked to J******n, my current boyfriend and wondered if he even felt anything for me anymore or if he was playing the field between myself and Je***.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse

1) He/She shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.
2) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.
3) He/She has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.
4) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer when you are asleep.
5) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.
6) You find items of intimate apparel that you did not give your spouse.
7) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy"
8) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.
9) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.
10) He/She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.
11) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.
12) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.
13) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
14) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
15) He/she sets up a new e-mail account and

Change is Welcome.

Hey everybody,


So this is my new space to continue upon the personal mission that I began last July in secret. I created this blog so that I could say what I needed to say anonymously without any fear of hurting those who are close to me. It's not that I have mean things to say about anybody; but sometimes we need to be able to express our thoughts without feeling like somebody is going to get hurt. That is why I always leave names out of the picture frame unless you are a foe and that is when I will post your name because we've got some beef, I'm passive aggressive and the worst that I can do is reveal your nature online to a group of people who will never meet you.

About a year ago my boyfriend found my blog, and ever since then I have felt like my privacy is not as guarded as once before. So I finally decided about 5 months later to create a new account under a new address and hope that nobody finds it. Honestly - I don't know why it is so important for me to have a private place online where nobody can find me. The truth is that when we put this shit out there, somebody is going to find it; it's not like it's there to be private. I just don't want anybody to get hurt and that is why I am in the process of moving everything over from my old account to this new account. TTFN .....