All The Love In The World.

Sometimes we do stupid shit, yesterday was a particular low point for me in this whole confusion called "relationship in peril". I was on tarot.com and I thought I had been signed into my account. I clicked on my past readings profile and there came up a love profile titled "How do I make the right decision between S*** and Jeremy". Initially shock hit me but it was no news to me, it only confirmed in me that I either created a self fulfilled prophecy, or I have some grade A+ intuition here. None the less I saw what I saw and the hours that followed took me to some dark places inside.

No matter what I saw, something is wrong in this relationship. I had been told to give him time to go through "something". But "something" just keeps putting a distance between us and it's been concerning me to the degree that I do not trust him at all anymore. I don't even feel like he's my boyfriend anymore. His mother pries into shit and then calls me crazy, tells me that I'm insecure, suggests that I wait for J******** to find out what he needs. Yet last week she highly encouraged me to "do what's right for YOU". How do these messages get so contorted, do I give up?. I really don't know what to do and I feel really bad that I over read what I did, but maybe God was trying to confirm something for me - I don't know.

I want badly to feel that love again, I want so badly to want him the way that I did, but this morning I woke up and felt like I could not feel anything anymore. I felt like I had given up. I felt alone but accepting of it. It's as though I don't have feelings anymore because I was forced to put them away. Love should not be hidden, especially when you're 11 months into the game. Love should only be expressed in and out, not discouraged by events, people and a stop in your over all intimacy and communication. You can cat ll me idealistic but it's true, because at the base level of love is trust, and if there is anything that I m lacking more now it's just that.

Perhaps I want to be wanted, I want to be needed, I want to feel like I am special. And yet when I am ignored, and I am barely held at night, or I can't even put my arm around him without feeling him shutter; I begin to wonder where all of that went. And then I see him online with Jeremy, chatting and smiling. I came home yesterday and they were on the phone, J******** was looking for apartments online with him (not for together). I am upset to understand that I am now on an episode of the bachelor. I thought that the perk to being in a long term relationship was to feel a security in it all. So where did that go and is it my fault for getting nosy?.

"Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it". . . "And it's only love, it is only love -- that can take a human being and turn him inside- out".

Of course I am here to mend this break - I am here to pick up the pieces, I am here to work on something that I worked for so long with. But I don't see him doing the same, and I worry for myself that I am addicted to suffering. Last night I was thinking about it - I wondered why it was that I could not just get pissed at him and call it off when I felt the need to earlier yesterday. And then I thought about how I hate to vomit and how I will not let myself vomit even if I feel like shit, and then I continued to think about how I spent 10 years holding back tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Am I addicted to suffering in the sense that actually long to suffer, rather than actually enjoy life?. When I am sick would I rather remain sick? and when I need to cry would I actually rather build resentment instead?.

"My heart is on that ship out on that ocean".

When we fall in love, we put all of our fear aside, it's something that I did not do with this relationship. I had been in one before it which left me for a fool. I had been fucked over time and time again and I had always let it happen for fear of being "mean" and ultimately "losing the chance to be loved" by the same people who showed me no love. And then J******** comes into my life, this 18 year old boy who just .... adored me. And I adored him. And we held hands, and grew together, and confided and shared . . . I lost my virginity to this boy. I let my guards down, and I opened myself up to him fully without question. Sure we've had arguments, we've had issues, I have felt inferior to him at times and he has probably felt frustrated by my idealism. But up until about 1.5 months ago, I felt him - I felt like he still longed for me, and I still longed for him. And now - he does not long for me anymore, he does not ask me to hold him, or stay in bed with him. He barely kisses me anymore. Small kisses to possibly suggest "yes we're still in a relationship" - but nothing more.

"Valentino, I don't think so you're watching MTV while I lye dreaming in an empty bed"

We will stay up at night watching episodes of LOST, and then he'll turn the T.V. off and say "Let's go to bed" and I will get up happy and excited because he's coming to bed with me, and then he will get online to say "goodnight" to Jeremy which ends up lasting for about 3 hours past when he originally said that he would come to bed. And I will go to bed, and I will wake at least 2-4 times with my heart beating like war drums wondering what they are talking about and why he'd ditch me like that. I don't care what others say, I am indeed being treated like second best, but I cannot complain because I am allowing it to happen.

"I wanna take you for granted, drift while you're talking, bathe while you're downstairs and chat on the phone, fall asleep before bedtime, laugh in the hallway, forget your birthday and shrink all your clothes"

I keep hope in my heart that things will change, I keep optimism in my mind to make sure that I do not lose him, yet still I remain anxious and depressed. Feeling like I am lost in a crowded room and my guardian just abandoned me for something unknown. So I'm in there, and I'm scared, and people are looking at me like I am crazy, but I know that my watcher is being selfish. I know that I will be OK no matter what the outcome, but I do not want to let go and lose all that we worked on together. J******** keeps telling me that he wants us to be friends before lovers in order to be lovers. But what the hell does that mean, is he trying to suggest "were just friends" or is he saying "let's do all that we can to strengthen this bond". I don't think that it's the latter because he's offered nothing to me which proves conducive toward a successful bond. We do not talk, we do not confide, we do not share time together without a T.V. set, we do not walk, we barely laugh. And that's what kills me about this all, because I know he shares all such things with Jeremy for I have seen it and his words alone confirm it.

"I don't wanna wake up alone anymore, still believing you'll walk through my door, all I need is to know it's for sure, then I'll give all the love in the world".