Mourning

He told me "I'm moving out". Those words just don't seem to leave me. And though I tried to deny it throughout yesterday - he brought it to my attention again today by asking how I would pay the bills once was was gone. Abandoment is something I've feared, and I've never thought it would happen to me again, but it's happening. And though I should try and fight it, at the end of the day every man's decision is his own; so why am I not making the right ones?.

I don't want to say goodbye and I feel like it's happening. We're sleeping on opposite sides of the bed now, I try to hold him close and he pulls away. It's like "China all the way to New York" I can feel the distance . . . and it's close. Do I fight for this ?, should I cry over this?. I went to the movies on Thursday and cried like I'd lost a relative to tragedy. Is this the end?, how do we come to terms, why isn't there just some great way to say "I'm OK" no matter what. The truth is that I don't feel like it's OK, I don't feel like I'll be OK. I don't know why it's all come to this and yet something inside is telling me not to fight it.

I do not want to be alone, and I do not understand why; if we are still "in love" does it feel like we are both going through a drifting process. I feel him drifting from me, and I want to grab out and catch him - but I'm wondering if it's right or not. Where do I go from here, what do I do?. Where is happiness, and who am I?. Is this what he thought months before he decided to "find himself"? or is this something that ... I don't know. All I know is that everything is not OK right now and I think that he'll be better before I am because he's calling the shots. And I do not want to spitefully call any end to anything before fully understanding where we are at with each other. I do not want to lose him, I have too many memories of him and too many hopes and feelings to let him go. But should I let him go out of love? or should I let him go out of love for myself?.

In other news : STA Travel has closed 49 branches across the USA, my old branch is finally included on that list thank God !.