Moving on like the movies.

Last night he told me things . . we discussed our end again. We talked about him moving out of town. Now it feels official - the relationship we expressed is officially no longer. Unfortunatley I was sort of drunk when we discussed this so I revealed to him that I knew about him and Jeremy. I told him that I'm still in love with him and how every day is HELL to wake up knowing that he's moved on and that he'll be leaving town for good. All the sweet beginnings keep returning to me. On memorial day will be the day we first kissed - I just can't get over this shit . . . it's coming back to me; these memories and when I think about them I feel the same excitement of the day after our first kiss. Wanting to see him again, to kiss him again. And now it's over - it's all over. Our bond may not be broken - but the romance is over. The marriage is over. It's over. And it hurts more than before and it's scary and I feel like the pain is coming back. Some day soon he will be gone and I won't be able to laugh with him and I will be forced to move on. I don't want to move on. I like loving you.

Love does not leave.

Sometimes when I look outside my window and I am alone I think about him and I ask myself "why", "what the hell went wrong?". Somehow I still can't believe that we are over, I still feel like shit when you don't kiss me goodbye. I'm not saying that my life is over but I long for that life we lived. Sadly I do know why it ended. You've moved on from me, so why am I having such a hard time moving on from you. I guess I still believe in a you and me. I guess I feel angered that you opted to take a bow during our most challenging of times. There was another - I knew it all along. You looked for love elsewhere just when things between us got a bit stale. I am not going to say I was perfect - but I tried to make you feel special ... did I fail?. Was I a lousy lover?. Sometimes I just can't solve the reasons why wer'e no more and yet we still see each other every day. Love does not leave . . . so why did you leave me?. I just can't solve the riddle because I love you.

Breathe

Grandma Died, Jonathan Left me, Minnie is gone. Can't handle much more. I miss them all. I layed my grandma to rest and Jonathan showed up. I layed my cat to rest and he called me. This man who I love, this man I long for. A grandma I love, a grandma I can't ket go of. Is the lesson here in letting it go?. Why let go when it made us feel good and it was taken away from us as fast as it came. So how do we let them go?. So how do we go on with out them?. How do we know what they are thinking while down the street or in heaven?. So how do I move on ? . . . I can't breathe today. Today I miss it all.

Tired, Messed Up and Anxious -

It's been a few weeks to a month now that I have posted anything here. I've got too much going on inside and no more computer at home to write on since my ex boyfriend decided to move out on us. I've come to the reality conclusion that J******* decided to leave our relationship because he wanted to persue what things may be like with Jeremy. My friend at Barnes and Noble confirmed to me that she saw something sort of funny going on between them because he came in with his arm around Jeremy. Hearing news like that totally sends about a thousand little knives into me. The idea that he's sharing his body with somebody else but me. It disgusts me, and yet we maintain a "friendship". I don't know how I can deal with it because I still love him.

I am going through a new daily anxiety/panic disorder caused by the trauma of this break-up. I've never done one of these before so I do not know if it's natural to feel like this. In an ideal world I would be one of those punk rocker dudes who does not give a shit about a break-up, but I am not. I am a gay male who is looking for love in a large but bone headed culture of diva's, hoes and clones. I wake up thinking "I can make it today" and then I get totally nervous and anxious about him moving on so fast. I don't think about myself anymore as I did in about the second week of our break-up. But then he came back toward me, stayed a night and even ended up back in bed with me a few times.

It's like I miss him, and when I miss him I feel like he'll never be around again. And the difference between before and now, is that before at least I knew he was "mine" in a sense. But now I feel like a "friend" and Jeremy is my replacement - - - so why am I still hanging with this kid?. There is no confirmation from J*******, and I don't want to ask because I think it'll hurt too much to hear the truth. So I'll remain in denial - - I am living in a tiny city where I do not work, I am supposed to go back to school in the fall and I am single. It sucks because I have met some pretty attracitve men, who flirted with me - and though I would flirt back, I still felt as though I would be cheating on J****** by kissing any of these men. And I am not even ready to do that yet. I'm still dealing with the fact that as of right now, our relationship ended possibly because he wanted to persue the same man I figured he liked but told me nothing of.

The truth is that I feel as though I brought this all on. Kind of like the Secret's theory that our thoughts control the universe, I believe that my thoughts there in the end of our relationship truly panned out the way that I was thinking them. I imagined him cheating on me, I imagined us having to break up. I did not however imagine the feeling of being so alone. So now I am imagining something new which I am not going to share here. I'll see if it works. I love him still, I feel him still, I know him still - - I wont give up on him till - I know it's done for sure inside of me.