Healthy Detatchment

In the past 24 hours everything has gone from bad to worst to akward again. Yesterday afternoon my boyfeind and I got into anothe fight, this one was larger than the last and really threw me into a question hole. After expressing my needs, and being shot down for needing them - I nearly decided that it was time to break up with my long term relationship. The truth was however that I was not ready to be single, and sometimes these decisions are best made when we certainly know that we are ready.

I took a walk after the blow out and called about every person in my phonebook looking for answers. What do I do, where do I go from here?, should I end things?. I ended up running into my good freind Ale***** and his bf who took me out to dinner, gave me hugs and showed me the support that I needed in order to get through the afternoon alone. I decided that I needed time and space, and though it felt odd to be away from my boyfriend . . . I knew that I had nothing to say to him. Earlier he had berated me for too many reasons to feel secure anymore. So I stayed out until 10:00 pm and allowed for my boyfriend to wonder where I was. As cruel as it was, it was needed because I needed to be alone, and I did not need to answer to anybody else.

I came home to find him sleeping on the couch playing "break up" songs and a plate of dinner on his side ... with another placed out for me which was never eaten. I felt like the worst man ever and nearly grabbed the boy into my arms to kiss him - but I did not. I can't infantize him as my friends were telling me last night. I have to be strong for myself, I have to reserve myself now as hard as it is to do. We are at a point in this relationship where I suppose that we both need to move forward without breaking up. I think that it means that we need to work on separation while maintaining romance if that is at all possible. I learned this not from my boyfriend but rather his mother who I spoke to this afternoon. Apparently he called her - and of course they ... I don't know it seems as though they .... nevermind. Point is that I have to work on myself in order to be in this relationship, I have to learn how to be away from him in a healthy way. I can't be attatched to his hip as we once were. It hurts but it's truth.

In truth I think that my boyfriend was trying to tell me that we needed that space in order to grow and I was not ready to hear it. I am not going to say that the way he constructed that conversation was at all right because he disrespected my words by calling them wrong and putting me down for it. And of course when I spoke with his mother about this she took his side without taking his side as it were. I need to detatch to a degree and not allow for others to hurt me as much as they do. The only issue that I am dealing with is that there is a part of me which doe snot feel right about this and then there is a side with me that agrees with his mum. Maybe I do need to work my self out - maybe I should go on this journey with the boyfriend. For his mother tells me that there is nothing to worry about and that he told me he wanted to be with me only. And that his friendship with Jeremy is simply a venting relationship . . . maybe we all need those, I know we do. And it's hard to admit that I am not perfect ... well it is, but it's hard to excorcise the demons inside and do the worsk that it takes to change. But change is possible and maybe this is God's way of preparing me for the journey ahead.