Last night I tried to tell him what was on my mind. Instead he would have rather played a video game. I asked him if he was OK and of course he was, but as soon as I began to get frustrated that my points were not being concerned for by him - he called it a fight. I was not trying to fight . . but we've got some issues that we need to talk about. When I asked him if he cared, he told me that there was nothing to talk about and then continued to ignore me, talk to him friend online and play video games.
Is this what it means to be abused?. Love is not a game and love should certainly not hurt this much. Something has changed between he and I. 3 weeks ago some guy started to message him on facebook. Now they spend nights chatting together as I sleep in an empty bed. This dude took my boyfriend out to dinner last week. Am I in denial ?, why am I not calling the shot here?. My instincts tell me that something is off, something is not healthy and my boyfriend will not agree with me. It's like being alone in the dark with an abusive guardian.
I'm so hurt, I feel so alone. I do not know what to do, I don't know what decision needs to be made. I need respect and last night was a clear message to me that my boyfriend simply does not care about me anymore. So here I am alone again - sitting in an open bedroom, he's sleeping on the couch because he spent the night talking with Jeremy (his ... friend). I'm not a bad person, why do I feel like one?. Why am I beating myself up for his silence and his abusive behavior last night?. A part of me wants to just leave . . . get out of this stupid state I live in and go back to California where I am from, where I was once happy.
I tried not to let it come to this - but I am now officially unhappy and the sign is up for the public to see. I cannot however talk to m friends anymore about it because they did not agree with my lease in the first place. I cannot talk to my mother about it because she does not even know about the business that I set out to make a success. And I cannot talk to my own boyfriend about it because .. .. .. right, he doesn't care. And so here I am at a hard place again, I'm in pain and I feel a great abandonment. In one month he and I will be celebrating one year together - yet I am uncertain of ... how much longer this will last. I am so completely insulted and betrayed by him that I can't see anything past today yet. It does not mean a break up, but it does mean that we're not getting on right now.
Last night I tried to pleasure him - he had this attitude of "lets just get off". The thrill and adventure of it is gone too - like he really does not see me attractive anymore. He's been commenting on my body, telling me that I've gained weight and that I need to stop eating oreo's if I want to lose weight. Yet ... he's working out and he's chatting with some other guy and this guy is taking him out to eat. As my friend E**n told me last night "S**n, your boyfriend is dating somebody else !". As much as it hurt to have somebody spell it out in plain English for me, it made sense. It confirmed exactly what has been plaguing me with fear and doubt for the past month (since my boyfriend met Jeremy).
So what do I do?. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw "Is it time to bust out the old pro's and con's list?" or should I simply forgive and forget. Something tells me that I need to figure this one out and that as much as the outcome could either be great or tragic - it will be my decision and I will have created my own destiny by making it. Today I need to do our laundry because tomorrow we're going to a going away party for our friends. Can we talk tonight about everything that went down last night?. Why am I THE ONE who is still being shunned . . . you see this is classic "crazy making". I have an issue, he says there is nothing. He has an issue, I say hey honey what's wrong and lets fix it. That's the difference between us. That is why I am 23 and he's 19. Yes there is anger, but I'm willing to talk it out in order to mend the bridge that's breaking here. I just don't know how to when the other half of the work team wont show up on time.
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