He took his hand in mine, I asked him about our schedule for the months ahead in bills and he told me "I'm going to find my own apartment". My heart has dropped down to the floor and I can't pick it up, I'm in too much shock. This morning I woke up and he was not here. This is not the end, but it's a definite stop to the life that I knew with him. I could cry but somehow I feel like it's right. I dont want him to go, but I need to know how to love me in order to love anybody else. I want to kiss him, I want to hold him but I know that I can't. I know that with every kiss will bring hurt and that with every smile I'll know he's leaving, and I don't even know what that means. I feel like we're moving on and nobody is saying it. Am I the only one who feels that way?.
Times have been hard for us and when we had that blow out fight the other day downtown, I think that he realized some things in himself that he did not like, and I realized some sides to myself that I agree are unhealthy. I need to be loved, why can't I love myself ?. Everybody wants love, everybody wants to be held at night, to be kissed under the moon and to hold somebody else's hand. But the truth is that there are more times than not that we are going to be alone in this life and we cannot be thinking about others the entire time. So in a sense I really can understand where my boyfriend is coming from. Now I have to face myself again and I hate me.
This process reminds me of the one that I had to go through as I let Aaron go two years ago. And though he was a horrible person and nothing at all like my boyfriend today, I do remember when I was uninvited from his life as a significant other. I kept holding on with hope in my hert that something would change, and here I am doing it again. I really do not know what's in store for J******* and I, everything is really different, he is so far away and I can't even kiss him without feeling like goodbye is just tomorrow. I wish that I never opened my mouth with all my petty needs, I wish that I did not need so much. I wish that I could just love myself so that I could better love my boyfriend. But I've never gone through the process of learning how to accept myself and I am so incredibly terrified of becoming my own worst enemy, I am terrified of becoming Aaron. I am terrified of becoming shrill and mean and numb as I feel.
God help us, let J******** and I heal this relationship, help us heal within ourselves because I do not want to lose him. I do love him though we have had some issues recently. And then I look back and say "I'm only sorry that I had made the move before you did".
No comments:
Post a Comment