Yesterday I missed him so much that I yelled at my sister just to get me home. This longing for him came from a place of worrying if he'd forgotten about me; a need to be needed, a desire to control. When I arrived at the door everything was fine until his mother called from the hospital asking if he would meet her there. He never picks up her (and now my own) telephone calls and decided to put his responsibility into my hands. When asked where he was I told her that he was next to me playing a video game. By the time I got off the phone I knew that I was in "deep shit" with him for leaking out such a truth. He started to yell, I started to get smaller - and then I stopped.
I turned back to him and yelled back. Told him that I did the best that I could and that I wouldn't even bother again. He began to completely ignore me and I started to panic. Why were my emotions so non important to him, all while there I lay in an empty bed (again) as he sat up talking to his "friend" online. This was not OK, but I decided that I had to not give in to his bull shit, I fell asleep for about an hour or two when I woke up at about 3:30 am. I had realized that I did not want to be fighting, perhaps this was my need to be wanted and understood, perhaps emotionally recognized for once. I got out of bed and sat next to him and before I knew it found myself apologizing to him for getting hurt earlier. ME APOLOGIZING FOR BEING HURT !. He listened for about ten seconds before he cut me off again saying "I don't want to talk about it". I turned away and said "Well fine, just know how much this is hurting me right now". I told him I loved him (with a return response to my surprise) and went to "bed".
I could not fall asleep, I felt so angry at him for stepping in shit and giving me the shoe. I knew that it was not mine to clean and yet there I had apologized to him for holding back my cleaning brush. Time passed, the sun began to shine and yet still no boyfriend to apologize or at least join me in bed. I felt completely alone and dead inside. I began to panic, this sudden rush of energy came over my body and I ran into the bathroom crying. I began to scratch at my flesh, opening my skin and revealing scrapes and blood bruises. I felt like there was a bomb going off, I had to run, but where do I run?. So I came back out to the bedroom only to notice him smiling at him computer screen as he talked to him beloved buddy Jeremy. The thought finally resonated in my head that my boyfriend really does not care about me anymore and I began to lose it. I threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and ran out the door.
Once I was on the open street at 5:30 am I tried to feel a sense of accomplishment. I tried to figure out where I needed to go . . but then I realized something. Baby boy was in MY house, using MY electricity to use HIS computer (that I am typing on now ahem). I could not breathe, my heart began to break out from within. My chest opening with a sense of pain and ending. The reality came to me that I'd had it. I'm fed up and I needed to make a decision, but I did not want to do it yet. So I turned around trying not to suffocate (as I felt was going to). Shaking and sleep deprived I entered the door to my apartment and gazed my eyes upon him smiling at the screen again, he did not even look up to see who was there. He ignored me as though I had really done something SO wrong as to be punished for the night. Sadly I still needed to feel a presence, a support so I asked him "honey, I think I am having an anxiety attack", no response, deadpan, silence. Finally and regretfully he suggested to take a shower; it was one of those suggestions you might get from a pissed off Wal-mart employee who does not want you to find your items.
I took a shower, went back to bed and woke up at about 9:30am to notice that he had finally fallen asleep on the couch in the living room (once again, nothing new there; he's been staying up all night for weeks now). Once again I felt completely scammed of any support, totally jipped of any loving consolation and totally confused about what course of action I needed to take. So I got up and changed my clothes again, still groggy from a night of crying and no sleep and totally disappointed in my overall life. I walked right out the door and began my Carrie Bradshaw walk of .... shame, confusion and let down.
Like a scene in the movies I could nearly hear the music playing, wishing a friend would call me and go to breakfast, maybe I'd be a best selling book author or an actor or something totally successful. But I was simply me and I had more to deal with than wishing against the woes of my non success. I walked to the park and sat for a while, taking in all of the fresh air and caffeine from my double shot mocha. I took in the feeling of being alone again and tried to come to terms with it, but it would not stick. I do not want to end this yet, I need love. But he does not love me. I need help but he will never help me. I need God but God's not here yet, He's only around on Sunday's at 9:00 am. So I took a walk to St.Mary's Catholic Church downtown and figured that maybe I could pray about it, make a decision that way. I arrived at what appeared to be daily mass, but ... did not go in because it was also a funeral.
Finally I decided to walk home. There was absolutely nowhere else to go but home at that point. I had given up completely and concluded to myself that the only choice was the hard choice. I walked around the corner and noticed an AA office with an Al-anon meeting in pre progress. The room was filled with older people which initially turned me off, so I walked away as though to avoid it. Suddenly an older woman popped her head out from the door and invited me in. I figured it was God's way of telling me to enter a new door. So I entered . . . an hour had passed, I ha shared my story of growing up in an alcoholic environment, I listened to the stories of others. I felt support, I felt love and yet I did not know who the hell these people were from outside of those four walls. They particularly thanked me for my story, they told me that I had courage for sharing so candidly and encouraged me to come back.
I don't know what's to come. My boyfriend just woke up from his post night of emotional violence sleep. He is still ignoring me as I am not acknowledging him ..... a sense of panic has just entered my chest again, I feel like my stomach is cramping up. I don't know what to do ... and I feel scared again. I want to make peace but I have to accept the fact that he does not want it too. I can't clean up his messes, I can't control his emotions, I can't change the past, I cant manipulate the future. And in the words of Tori Amos, I can only be me, a lot of times it isn't good enough for people.
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