Moving on like the movies.

Last night he told me things . . we discussed our end again. We talked about him moving out of town. Now it feels official - the relationship we expressed is officially no longer. Unfortunatley I was sort of drunk when we discussed this so I revealed to him that I knew about him and Jeremy. I told him that I'm still in love with him and how every day is HELL to wake up knowing that he's moved on and that he'll be leaving town for good. All the sweet beginnings keep returning to me. On memorial day will be the day we first kissed - I just can't get over this shit . . . it's coming back to me; these memories and when I think about them I feel the same excitement of the day after our first kiss. Wanting to see him again, to kiss him again. And now it's over - it's all over. Our bond may not be broken - but the romance is over. The marriage is over. It's over. And it hurts more than before and it's scary and I feel like the pain is coming back. Some day soon he will be gone and I won't be able to laugh with him and I will be forced to move on. I don't want to move on. I like loving you.

Love does not leave.

Sometimes when I look outside my window and I am alone I think about him and I ask myself "why", "what the hell went wrong?". Somehow I still can't believe that we are over, I still feel like shit when you don't kiss me goodbye. I'm not saying that my life is over but I long for that life we lived. Sadly I do know why it ended. You've moved on from me, so why am I having such a hard time moving on from you. I guess I still believe in a you and me. I guess I feel angered that you opted to take a bow during our most challenging of times. There was another - I knew it all along. You looked for love elsewhere just when things between us got a bit stale. I am not going to say I was perfect - but I tried to make you feel special ... did I fail?. Was I a lousy lover?. Sometimes I just can't solve the reasons why wer'e no more and yet we still see each other every day. Love does not leave . . . so why did you leave me?. I just can't solve the riddle because I love you.

Breathe

Grandma Died, Jonathan Left me, Minnie is gone. Can't handle much more. I miss them all. I layed my grandma to rest and Jonathan showed up. I layed my cat to rest and he called me. This man who I love, this man I long for. A grandma I love, a grandma I can't ket go of. Is the lesson here in letting it go?. Why let go when it made us feel good and it was taken away from us as fast as it came. So how do we let them go?. So how do we go on with out them?. How do we know what they are thinking while down the street or in heaven?. So how do I move on ? . . . I can't breathe today. Today I miss it all.

Tired, Messed Up and Anxious -

It's been a few weeks to a month now that I have posted anything here. I've got too much going on inside and no more computer at home to write on since my ex boyfriend decided to move out on us. I've come to the reality conclusion that J******* decided to leave our relationship because he wanted to persue what things may be like with Jeremy. My friend at Barnes and Noble confirmed to me that she saw something sort of funny going on between them because he came in with his arm around Jeremy. Hearing news like that totally sends about a thousand little knives into me. The idea that he's sharing his body with somebody else but me. It disgusts me, and yet we maintain a "friendship". I don't know how I can deal with it because I still love him.

I am going through a new daily anxiety/panic disorder caused by the trauma of this break-up. I've never done one of these before so I do not know if it's natural to feel like this. In an ideal world I would be one of those punk rocker dudes who does not give a shit about a break-up, but I am not. I am a gay male who is looking for love in a large but bone headed culture of diva's, hoes and clones. I wake up thinking "I can make it today" and then I get totally nervous and anxious about him moving on so fast. I don't think about myself anymore as I did in about the second week of our break-up. But then he came back toward me, stayed a night and even ended up back in bed with me a few times.

It's like I miss him, and when I miss him I feel like he'll never be around again. And the difference between before and now, is that before at least I knew he was "mine" in a sense. But now I feel like a "friend" and Jeremy is my replacement - - - so why am I still hanging with this kid?. There is no confirmation from J*******, and I don't want to ask because I think it'll hurt too much to hear the truth. So I'll remain in denial - - I am living in a tiny city where I do not work, I am supposed to go back to school in the fall and I am single. It sucks because I have met some pretty attracitve men, who flirted with me - and though I would flirt back, I still felt as though I would be cheating on J****** by kissing any of these men. And I am not even ready to do that yet. I'm still dealing with the fact that as of right now, our relationship ended possibly because he wanted to persue the same man I figured he liked but told me nothing of.

The truth is that I feel as though I brought this all on. Kind of like the Secret's theory that our thoughts control the universe, I believe that my thoughts there in the end of our relationship truly panned out the way that I was thinking them. I imagined him cheating on me, I imagined us having to break up. I did not however imagine the feeling of being so alone. So now I am imagining something new which I am not going to share here. I'll see if it works. I love him still, I feel him still, I know him still - - I wont give up on him till - I know it's done for sure inside of me.

Murder The Baby

Lonliness is hard to deal with. Every morning I've been waking up to a ghost of a former boyfriend that is no longer there. I walk through the rooms with past conversations in my mind which never got the chance to complete. I sometimes pretend that he's still there - I still love him. But that love has to fade because he's moving on and I don't want to stand around waiting. Every time that I see him, I know he's moving on and it makes me angry. For I know he's denying his feelings and he's lying to the both of us. But he owes me nothing now - and I am still looking for that connection with him. I am still hoping that my best friend will come to bed with me, I am still wishing for his lips to touch my own again. But we both know that it's not going to happen. For he's made a choice and I have no choice in return but to follow. And so I must move on. And so I must destroy the happy memories, and so I must murder the baby. I have to in order to sacrifice the lie that we shall soon return to the way we were. No more fights, no more cry. Simply I wish for love, simply I long for intimacy, simply I choose to remain in love. I don't want to be that "one" who hangs on to a ghost, a shell .... nobody lives here anymore, the passion, the music, the love, the happiness; all of that escaped before the party even started. God bless our once strong union - this divorce has taken a piece of me and torn it apart.

A sorta fairytale.

This is the end to something that was once really great but turned ugly and I'm sorry that it had to be this way because I still very much love you. And I am blaming myself for this bitter end but we all know who put more into this than anybody else. Sacrifices were made and now I sleep alone. As per you request - I will not hope for you again but rather remain "just friends". It's a shitty call to make especially when I still love you and you obviously love me. But I can understand where you're at and I'm not thinking about myself in that light. Hell I am kind of jealous that you'd kill a relationship for the benefit of your own personal growth. And yet I did not convey to you how frustrating you can be and how many times I've felt alone in the same room with you. And I'm sorry that in the end I made you unhappy - but honey you weren't alone there. Yeah OK I'm bitter to a degree because I'm lonely and you're the only one I know to call - and I don't want to give you away. I don't want to say it's over. But you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore and you clearly do not want the "security" that I gave to you. I can't see why it's so bad to have a boy like me in your life . . . It also kind of pisses me off that you'd break it off during the bad times - with hopes that there is something more out there. I should have known - I should have expected to have you do this especially being that you're 19 and still finding yourself. But I've got a lot of living to do and more love to give and I have to make something better of myself. And maybe one day we'll meet on that road again and grow old together. But in the meantime . . . I'll remember this as A Sorta Fairytale With You

All The Love In The World.

Sometimes we do stupid shit, yesterday was a particular low point for me in this whole confusion called "relationship in peril". I was on tarot.com and I thought I had been signed into my account. I clicked on my past readings profile and there came up a love profile titled "How do I make the right decision between S*** and Jeremy". Initially shock hit me but it was no news to me, it only confirmed in me that I either created a self fulfilled prophecy, or I have some grade A+ intuition here. None the less I saw what I saw and the hours that followed took me to some dark places inside.

No matter what I saw, something is wrong in this relationship. I had been told to give him time to go through "something". But "something" just keeps putting a distance between us and it's been concerning me to the degree that I do not trust him at all anymore. I don't even feel like he's my boyfriend anymore. His mother pries into shit and then calls me crazy, tells me that I'm insecure, suggests that I wait for J******** to find out what he needs. Yet last week she highly encouraged me to "do what's right for YOU". How do these messages get so contorted, do I give up?. I really don't know what to do and I feel really bad that I over read what I did, but maybe God was trying to confirm something for me - I don't know.

I want badly to feel that love again, I want so badly to want him the way that I did, but this morning I woke up and felt like I could not feel anything anymore. I felt like I had given up. I felt alone but accepting of it. It's as though I don't have feelings anymore because I was forced to put them away. Love should not be hidden, especially when you're 11 months into the game. Love should only be expressed in and out, not discouraged by events, people and a stop in your over all intimacy and communication. You can cat ll me idealistic but it's true, because at the base level of love is trust, and if there is anything that I m lacking more now it's just that.

Perhaps I want to be wanted, I want to be needed, I want to feel like I am special. And yet when I am ignored, and I am barely held at night, or I can't even put my arm around him without feeling him shutter; I begin to wonder where all of that went. And then I see him online with Jeremy, chatting and smiling. I came home yesterday and they were on the phone, J******** was looking for apartments online with him (not for together). I am upset to understand that I am now on an episode of the bachelor. I thought that the perk to being in a long term relationship was to feel a security in it all. So where did that go and is it my fault for getting nosy?.

"Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it". . . "And it's only love, it is only love -- that can take a human being and turn him inside- out".

Of course I am here to mend this break - I am here to pick up the pieces, I am here to work on something that I worked for so long with. But I don't see him doing the same, and I worry for myself that I am addicted to suffering. Last night I was thinking about it - I wondered why it was that I could not just get pissed at him and call it off when I felt the need to earlier yesterday. And then I thought about how I hate to vomit and how I will not let myself vomit even if I feel like shit, and then I continued to think about how I spent 10 years holding back tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Am I addicted to suffering in the sense that actually long to suffer, rather than actually enjoy life?. When I am sick would I rather remain sick? and when I need to cry would I actually rather build resentment instead?.

"My heart is on that ship out on that ocean".

When we fall in love, we put all of our fear aside, it's something that I did not do with this relationship. I had been in one before it which left me for a fool. I had been fucked over time and time again and I had always let it happen for fear of being "mean" and ultimately "losing the chance to be loved" by the same people who showed me no love. And then J******** comes into my life, this 18 year old boy who just .... adored me. And I adored him. And we held hands, and grew together, and confided and shared . . . I lost my virginity to this boy. I let my guards down, and I opened myself up to him fully without question. Sure we've had arguments, we've had issues, I have felt inferior to him at times and he has probably felt frustrated by my idealism. But up until about 1.5 months ago, I felt him - I felt like he still longed for me, and I still longed for him. And now - he does not long for me anymore, he does not ask me to hold him, or stay in bed with him. He barely kisses me anymore. Small kisses to possibly suggest "yes we're still in a relationship" - but nothing more.

"Valentino, I don't think so you're watching MTV while I lye dreaming in an empty bed"

We will stay up at night watching episodes of LOST, and then he'll turn the T.V. off and say "Let's go to bed" and I will get up happy and excited because he's coming to bed with me, and then he will get online to say "goodnight" to Jeremy which ends up lasting for about 3 hours past when he originally said that he would come to bed. And I will go to bed, and I will wake at least 2-4 times with my heart beating like war drums wondering what they are talking about and why he'd ditch me like that. I don't care what others say, I am indeed being treated like second best, but I cannot complain because I am allowing it to happen.

"I wanna take you for granted, drift while you're talking, bathe while you're downstairs and chat on the phone, fall asleep before bedtime, laugh in the hallway, forget your birthday and shrink all your clothes"

I keep hope in my heart that things will change, I keep optimism in my mind to make sure that I do not lose him, yet still I remain anxious and depressed. Feeling like I am lost in a crowded room and my guardian just abandoned me for something unknown. So I'm in there, and I'm scared, and people are looking at me like I am crazy, but I know that my watcher is being selfish. I know that I will be OK no matter what the outcome, but I do not want to let go and lose all that we worked on together. J******** keeps telling me that he wants us to be friends before lovers in order to be lovers. But what the hell does that mean, is he trying to suggest "were just friends" or is he saying "let's do all that we can to strengthen this bond". I don't think that it's the latter because he's offered nothing to me which proves conducive toward a successful bond. We do not talk, we do not confide, we do not share time together without a T.V. set, we do not walk, we barely laugh. And that's what kills me about this all, because I know he shares all such things with Jeremy for I have seen it and his words alone confirm it.

"I don't wanna wake up alone anymore, still believing you'll walk through my door, all I need is to know it's for sure, then I'll give all the love in the world".