It's been a few weeks to a month now that I have posted anything here. I've got too much going on inside and no more computer at home to write on since my ex boyfriend decided to move out on us. I've come to the reality conclusion that J******* decided to leave our relationship because he wanted to persue what things may be like with Jeremy. My friend at Barnes and Noble confirmed to me that she saw something sort of funny going on between them because he came in with his arm around Jeremy. Hearing news like that totally sends about a thousand little knives into me. The idea that he's sharing his body with somebody else but me. It disgusts me, and yet we maintain a "friendship". I don't know how I can deal with it because I still love him.
I am going through a new daily anxiety/panic disorder caused by the trauma of this break-up. I've never done one of these before so I do not know if it's natural to feel like this. In an ideal world I would be one of those punk rocker dudes who does not give a shit about a break-up, but I am not. I am a gay male who is looking for love in a large but bone headed culture of diva's, hoes and clones. I wake up thinking "I can make it today" and then I get totally nervous and anxious about him moving on so fast. I don't think about myself anymore as I did in about the second week of our break-up. But then he came back toward me, stayed a night and even ended up back in bed with me a few times.
It's like I miss him, and when I miss him I feel like he'll never be around again. And the difference between before and now, is that before at least I knew he was "mine" in a sense. But now I feel like a "friend" and Jeremy is my replacement - - - so why am I still hanging with this kid?. There is no confirmation from J*******, and I don't want to ask because I think it'll hurt too much to hear the truth. So I'll remain in denial - - I am living in a tiny city where I do not work, I am supposed to go back to school in the fall and I am single. It sucks because I have met some pretty attracitve men, who flirted with me - and though I would flirt back, I still felt as though I would be cheating on J****** by kissing any of these men. And I am not even ready to do that yet. I'm still dealing with the fact that as of right now, our relationship ended possibly because he wanted to persue the same man I figured he liked but told me nothing of.
The truth is that I feel as though I brought this all on. Kind of like the Secret's theory that our thoughts control the universe, I believe that my thoughts there in the end of our relationship truly panned out the way that I was thinking them. I imagined him cheating on me, I imagined us having to break up. I did not however imagine the feeling of being so alone. So now I am imagining something new which I am not going to share here. I'll see if it works. I love him still, I feel him still, I know him still - - I wont give up on him till - I know it's done for sure inside of me.
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