Can You Be Alone In A Relationship ?

I'm going through it. I'm dealing with powerlessness. I am sitting at home by myself at 10:04pm on a Tuesday night without my boyfriend and I know that I'm going to be OK. It's just that - I don't feel OK and I have to deal with that. So that's why I am writing here and now. Of course in my head I have some horrible thoughts going on, imagining him at Jeremy's house making out or having sex ..... God help me. But that is my problem and I don't know how to be alone and this is a challenge and it's OK. I feel like my heart's going to bust out of my chest and I cand keep my hands from shaking.

I'm watching "Happy Feet" on the TV because I need to see something positive. I am TOTALLY freaking out on the inside, I'm currently going through a lot of fear, so how do I deal and cope with this understanding that my boyfriend is allowed to go out with other people and have other friends without me. For starters I can cope by repeating the fact that it's healthy and normal (though I am nt used to it). I can continue by saying the following "It's OK to be alone because I've got myself covered". I am doing what I can to take care of my separation anxiety. I cn take a walk or read a book, the goal is to let go of the thoughts in the back of my mind.

I miss him like a .... God I miss him. I of course want him here and with me, but it's unhealthy to NEED him for my happiness. It's unhealthy to be completely reliant on his presence because I am present, and the lying issue here is that I cannot actually feel myself in here anymore. This is perhaps partially because 7 months ago I made decisions to accommodate my boyfriend while he felt the same way alone in his own apartment. This is life, I have to accept this. I am not in control of anyone else but myself. Maybe this s God's answer to my prayer to be "stronger". I cannot be strong unless I have a solid sense of self. Truth be told, there are a few sides of this relationship that I've compromised myself for. But are they healthy ?.

My social life used to be very healthy and well I stopped hanging out with my friends at the demand (at the time) of my boyfriend. What I needed to do back then was put a foot down and stop myself from allowing anybody to control me. And yet here I am ... waiting up, worried out of my mind that I've gotten no call back for the past 3 hours and waiting for him to come home. I know he is OK, I do feel a little bit disrespected for not getting a "status" call but this is what it's all about to be alone and this is how I will prove to myself that I can be alone while in a relationship.